24-year-old daughter refuses to refer her lazy older brother to her job despite parents' pressure: '[He] is the most careless person in the world'

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Ely Bulnes • Writer and Editor
Oct 22, 2025 12:00 PM EDT

When you first start building your career, it can sometimes feel like you need to succeed not just for yourself, but for your family. This is especially true if you come from a background where money's been tight or opportunities have been scarce. I remember when I got my first "real" job after college, my parents were so proud that they started introducing me to their friends and relatives as THE breadwinner. It's a lot to carry on your shoulders, and even more so when your success starts to feel like it comes with strings attached.

For one young woman, what should have been a moment of pride in her newfound independence has turned into a guilt-ridden family feud. After landing a well-paying job through a friend's referral, her parents began pressuring her to return the favor by recommending her older brother. Except this man's never held a steady job and often treats her poorly. Now she's taken to the internet to get its unbiased opinion on the situation at hand. 

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  • 01

    ITA for refusing to refer my brother to my workplace even though my parents are upset?

    Woman overwhelmed at work in front of her laptop
    via Karola G from Pexels

    Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • 02
    I (24F) work in a high paying job that I got through a friends referral. I worked very very hard to get here. I started applying like nuts after my graduation and
    via u/Much_Appearance5295
  • 03
    worked since my graduation which is around 3 years. I took this time to groom myself and become independent. I am the youngest of all my siblings.
    via u/Much_Appearance5295
  • 04
    Woman holding her arms up in triumph
    via Samotrebizan

    Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • 05
    My dad has been out of a job for couple of years and it has been very mentally taxing on us since he was the sole bread winner. I sometimes treat my siblings out to food and entertainment
    via u/Much_Appearance5295
  • 06
    (despite being youngest) and I do that because I want to eat food, and I have to order it for them too because otherwise it seems unkind and selfish (even if the bill racks up 3x..)
    via u/Much_Appearance5295
  • 07
    My oldest brother (28M) just finished his bachelor's after many years. He has no experience, doesn't apply anywhere, and spends most of his time playing games.
    via u/Much_Appearance5295
  • 08
    Man playing video games on his computer
    via Dean Drobot

    Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • 09
    Recently my mom and dad asked me to refer my brother to my job since it does not require a lot of experience and is mostly contact-based. She said that
    via u/Much_Appearance5295
  • 10
    since someone referred me, I should do the same for him. She's clearly hurt that I hesitated, but I'm reluctant because:
    via u/Much_Appearance5295
  • 11
    1. My brother is 28 and literally is the most careless person in this world. He has made no efforts for himself.
    via u/Much_Appearance5295
  • 12
    2. He is very verbally a when things don't go his way and I just don't want to share professional space with him.
    via u/Much_Appearance5295
  • 13
    Ive literally tried helping him for 2 months to apply for jobs. I even created an email account and applied to all sorts of places but no luck. I created the CV too.
    via u/Much_Appearance5295
  • 14
    Man and woman stare at laptop intently with concentration
    via Dean Drobot

    Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • 15
    Still, I feel awful because my parents are heartbroken and think I'm being selfish. I love them
    via u/Much_Appearance5295
  • 16
    deeply and understand their worry, but I just can't bring myself to risk my reputation for someone who doesn't even try.
    via u/Much_Appearance5295

  • This is tricky because it's a pretty easy situation to get out of by just saying that you referred him, and he's just not what the company's looking for. Sometimes, however, you have to tell the truth in order to set well-needed boundaries.

  • 17
    AITA for saying no? edit: maybe (MAYBE) he can do a good job, but I am mostly mad at how he treats me. and gosh, I just.. feel awful about it.
    via u/Much_Appearance5295
  • 18
    Update: I want to thank everyone of you that commented, I read and thought about every comment. I decided to let my
    via u/Much_Appearance5295
  • 19
    parents know it won't work out because of company policy of not being able to recommend your relatives and they
    via u/Much_Appearance5295
  • 20
    understood it. So I guess that is the end of that. Thank you for helping me out, I was genuinely so lost.
    via u/Much_Appearance5295
  • 21
    Elegant Bluebird_460 Firmly NTA. This is your job, never mix family and your work. Also, most companies do not allow referral for a family member and I would lean on that.
    via u/Elegant_Bluebird_460
  • 22
    OniyaMCD At a bare minimum, they won't hire a someone to a position. that could end up being supervised by another family member.
    via u/OniyaMCD
  • 23
    wharleeprof NTA A referral is a recommendation. You cannot in good faith. recommend him as an employee.
    via u/wharleeprof
  • 24
    International-Fee255 NTA Just say you will refer him and then don't. Tell them the boss told you he didn't have enough employment experience and he needs to have more experience before they will consider him.
    via u/International-Fee255
  • 25
    lemon_charlie NTA. He needs to take initiative on his own future trajectory, he's not going to succeed if other people do all the work. The way he's acting, he's the selfish one.
    via u/lemon_charlie

Tags

relationship advice family drama employee job brother sibling rivalry adulting siblings relationships parenting love adulthood family sister mom girlboss
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